quite a wonderful problem to have, actually

childcare. do i hate thinking about this one. i haven't really let myself think about what to do with 2 kids yet. frankly i didn't even really want to let myself believe that this was actually going to happen this time. with Lillian i honestly didn't care to think about it yet. i was so over-joyed just being pregnant with her that i didn't even start to stress about it. looking back i'm really glad this was the case. i got to enjoy my time with her and not waste it worrying about something that wasn't to be.
but now as i march through the 24th week of this pregnancy it's starting to dawn on me that i might just have an infant to care for in late april/early may. and this infant just might need someone to care for it after my maternity leave is over. i know - what a startling realization.

so what now? well my wonderful math-man husband ran the numbers through our budget. and we've toured some new schools. and IF (big, huge ginormous IF) i can trust someone enough to hand over my new baby then after that expense my paycheck would amount to about $400 a month. and IF (another biggie) i can convince myself i can handle the toughest job in the world and stay home and only work about 15 hours a week (early mornings mostly while the kids and husband are sleeping) then we would be able to balance our budget (including a little fun money, a little savings and still contribute to his 401K) and even have $15 extra. woah $15!
so maybe we DON't have to find a place to help me raise my children. and maybe i DON't have to work as much to make ends meet. but what will i want to do when the moment of truth arrives? will i be happy at home instead of pursuing my career?
i have to get over the mental block and decide to let myself think that a baby is definitely coming. my husband thinks once the baby comes i won't want to put it down and he can't imagine me ever finding someone to keep him/her that i would trust enough. so just put it on record people: my husband just might be right on this one. until then we will have to wait and watch.