If versus When

throughout this pregnancy (in my mind and in reality) i have continued to assert things like "If this baby comes..." "If i can get through this trimester..." "If i can make it to term..." "If we can bring this baby home in a car seat..."
all i need to know now is when will all these thoughts shift to "WHEN the baby comes..."
Will that change in thinking happen? Does that ever happen to moms like me? when will i be able to sit back and really ENJOY this pregnancy for what it is? If we decide to go through this again will i ever be able to enjoy pregnancy like i did with Delaney? I'm so doubtful.
Everytime I feel baby move it's not necessarily a truly happy thing - more of a pleasant reassurance. and thankfully baby C has been giving me a lot of regularly (feels like scheduled) assurances. the nursery has been empty for some months now and other than a day or two of prep work it will be ready for this baby. installing the carseat is something they can do at the hospital. i've taken the birthing classes and my husband even registered Delaney for a big sister class (it's her second time registering - maybe she'll get to take it and actually BE a big sister this time???) but when will i really truly let myself believe that i actually am having a baby? everyone else certainly seems to think i am. my appearance would certainly suggest it and all these doctor's visits would seem to indicate to my brain to start to plan for it, but something is blocking logic. it's definitely a protecting mechanism, but one i really wish i didn't have.
IF the worst does happen i will want to have said that i enjoyed this time with Baby C. that i made the most of every moment possible. i don't believe in jinxing things, so preventing myself from enjoying this time is really only hurting myself. so as i stumble into the third trimester this week maybe things will start to look real. i guess i'll just have to keep waiting.