a partner

my husband is amazing. i have come to realize it more as we go through hard times. i did not take him for granted, but i think i didn't really realize how much his constant love and support has meant to me. as this pregnancy approaches viability and the prospect of actually bringing home a live baby feels more and more real to me i think i am finally starting to grasp the magnitude of him. Immediately after Lillian died i felt like all i wanted was Delaney. my wonderful, beautiful, loving, living daughter who could hug me and wipe my tears away. even at 2 1/2 she could say "it's ok Mommy" and give me a big kiss. without her i was sure i would have died. but as time passes i realize that i also needed a partner through all of that. my patient husband who didn't blame me or judge me when all i wanted to do was cuddle with my toddler and cry. i'm sure he must have felt ignored, alone and it must have been so much harder (probably still is) to grieve without the kind of support i was getting from Delaney. I should have been there more for him. i guess that just adds to the pile of mother's guilt that everyone has. But i have to admit that however we got through those really hard days- we got through them. And now I have to keep looking forward and appreciating what i have. I hope that i can make it up to him someday. I'm one lucky gal.