i'm drinking the wine

after Lillian died I bought myself a bottle of mid-priced red wine. since i had been pregnant for so long and was going to try to become pregnant again ASAP i knew it was going to be awhile before i could drown my sorrows with alcohol. (anti-depressants are better, trust me) my plan was to drink the entire bottle when i got my period because i was not going to get my hopes up that i would get pregnant the first month trying. since we did get pregnant right away (the BEST thing that could have happened!) that bottle sat gathering dust on my wine rack.
things have still been hard since Will's birth. The birth announcements were really difficult and that totally blind-sided me. Picking them out wasn't especially difficult, but putting them together to mail out certainly was. Looking at his name with boy colors and knowing that it should have had Lillian's and there should be another little girl here made me cry a lot more than i was prepared for.
Nursing has been easier this time (hallelujah!) we have no supply issues and he's gaining weight exactly like he should. the first time i pumped i tried not to think about how i twice pumped the milk Lillian made me make, but i still cried. i'm still glad that i pumped for a little while and gave her milk to Delaney. It made me feel like at least it wasn't going to waste.
Thinking about having another child is scary. Not because i don't want one. I've always thought 3 was a great number to have. It's because i have had 3. i only get to parent 2 of them, but i've had my 3. And if i do have another i really really want another girl and what if it's a boy? Will i still feel that need? or will it never go away because really all i want is my Lillian back?
Remembering places where we went while I was pregnant with her will always always hurt. I kept thinking it would get better, but little things trigger those memories. I don't know when i'll be ready to go back to the mountains.
Today I was at home with William all day. Just me and him - and unlike other days so far - this one did not go smoothly. he just would not sleep. he wasn't crying all the time, but i knew he needed to get more than the little bit of dozing sleep he was getting right after he finished nursing. it was a frustrating day, but now that i'm drinking my wine (just one glass) and my husband is playing with the kids (!) in the front yard i think about what i DO have and I think this day might have been just fine.

Crazy little thing called love

Our Will
So my water broke at home just like with Lillian. You would have thought i would have been terrified right away, but it actually took until we were loading up in the car to start to panic. my daughter was super sweet putting her shoes on and getting her toys together. my husband broke every traffic law getting me to the hospital. AND we had my favorite nurse to check us in. She was there for us with Lillian's birth and let me listen to the heartbeat before we filled out any paperwork or did anything else. I teared up and had to take some really deep breaths once we heard that heartbeat. Then i said "ok now we're having a baby" and i think i finally got it. No more worrying - just do it.
Unlike with my first daughter i decided to not get an epidural. stupid, stupid, stupid. up until i was fully dilated i was fine. they gave me stadol, which made me feel like i had drank a few beers all at once, but that only lasts about an hour. So i went to push with no pain relief. it was some horrible pain. not as horrible as the infection with Lillian was, but it was definitely the 2nd most pain i've ever been in. for about 14 minutes. and then the second he was born the pain was immediately gone. i said "he was worth every second" and his eyes were open wide.
the cord was short, so my husband had to cut it really quickly before the baby would reach to lay on me. I'll never forget how he stretched his little right arm out to grab me and rubbed my chest. He quieted down shortly and i never thought i would let him go.
i still don't know his apgar scores. maybe they told me and i just wasn't aware of anything else. after what seemed like forever i let my husband hold him and let them bathe him.
The doctors and nurses never referred to him as my second child. he is my third and it was wonderful to be around people that understood. Both of his names mean "strong" and since he's already holding his head up pretty well on his own i think he physically fits his names. His first name has a lot of Lillian's letters in it and it also represents how much we had to go through to have him. It certainly wasn't easy, but absolutely worth every second of pain and worry. We have our son.
William Everette.