a good book. no - a great book (if you're ready for it)

[i don't like watching movies knowing they're going to make me cry. same with sad songs. i don't really understand when people say that they "just needed a good cry". i don't know if recommending this book to others will affect them in the same way it has me, but i can surely hope so. i hope that if you think you will gain something from it, that you will read it. if you don't think you're ready, then you're probably not. i think it was my time and i think it's helped. not a lot has helped, so i thought i'd pass it on.]
i just finished reading "an exact replica of a figment of my imagination" by elizabeth mccracken. i didn't want to read this book. i thought it would be horribly painfully tortuous and that i would cry in that choking-off-your-own-air-supply kind of way. but to put it simply: it wasn't and i didn't. much like reading the wonderful words of others in this wonderful supportive blog-world - i felt strangely at piece reading her work. i think i was ready for it and i'm glad i did. honestly i read this book so fast it still feels really fresh (it's been rainy, chilly, stay-indoorsy-type weather here and i've read 3 novels in the past 2 days)
here's an example of some of what i loved about this book.

This excerpt of a passage about her doctors visits with her second pregnancy (her first was a stillbirth) struck me as exactly how i have been feeling since Lillian's death.
"I wanted a separate waiting room for people like me, with different magazines. No Parenting or Wondertime or Pregnancy, no ads with pink or tawny or pearly smiling infants... What I wanted, scrawled across my chart in shaky physician's cursive: NOTE: do not blow sunshine up patient's ass."

This one about time passing and wanting to have fond, happier memories:
"all she wanted was permission to remember her child with pleasure instead of grief. To remember that he was dead, but to remember him without pain: he's dead but of course she still loves him, and that love isn't morbid or bloodstained or unsightly, it doesn't need to be shoved away."

On meeting another woman who comforted her and confided that her first child was also stillborn:
"What came over me was gratitude and an entirely inappropriate love. I didn't know the woman, but I loved her."
I think that passage is especially important because it makes me reflect on how important it is for me to keep reaching out to others (even if that is only reading their blogs) because it does provide me comfort, even if I don't know the reason.

My favorite part is the ending:
"It's a happy life, but someone is missing. It's a happy life, and someone is missing."

we've bonded

it happened in an instant. sitting in the glider reading the sunday paper and for some reason with one swift jab my baby stole my heart. you would have thought it would have happened before now, but i'll take the special moments whenever they come.
i was thinking so much about the baby and i was starting to think about whether i had felt the baby move yet today. it was still early and of course i had no real reason to worry, but bad thoughts had just started to creep in when - bam! it's like this child already knows how needy i'm going to be and how to calm me down. much like Delaney gave me extra hugs and said "it's going to be ok Mommy" - is it possible that this baby also knows to take extra special care of me? i believe it. and i'm head over heels in love again.

Sponsor Me at March for Babies!

so i'm not so great at asking (begging) for money. but if there ever was a cause to ask and beg for it is this one. they do some amazing research on a ton of different issues facing stillbirth, miscarriage and prematurity. in short this is great charity and i hope to raise at least a little bit of money. doctors weren't able to explain or help my situation with Lillian. But not every baby has to die - not if we can figure out the cause. please donate if you can, if not maybe you can join with a walk in your area or just remember this charity when you DO have the means to donate. thanks for reading.

walking for babies

i have walked in the march of dimes walk for babies before. My work was participating so we formed a team. Delaney was still in a stroller we had a great time walking with her and my dog.
This year our local walk is two days after my due date. so as much as i'd like to i won't be walking the 3+ miles that day. Not because i don't think i can, but because things have changed. When i was pregnant with Delaney i truely tried to "walk that baby out". i was only 4 days late, but everyday for the last 2 weeks my husband and i would walk and walk and walk. one day we walked 6 miles in the neighborhoods around our house. This time i'll be taking it easier. hopefully i'll already have my baby safe and sound at home and my husband, delaney and our dog will be walking without me. If not then i hope to be hugely and explosively pregnant sitting in a registration booth with my feet up.
I am co-chairing a committee at my office again this year to raise money for this wonderful charity. we are meeting with a rep. from march of dimes next week and i hope to post more information about walking and donating soon. i hope that everyone, regardless of their childbearing potential/success will support this organization in whatever way they can.

big sister class

saturday is delaney's big sister class at the hospital. they'll have a cute little class about what it will mean when the baby comes and a tour of the birthing center and the nursery. i think i'm ready to see all the new babies - well at least the boy babies. newborn girls are hard to see even now.
i've been very guarded about the class to say the least. i scheduled our first big sister class right after i got to 20weeks with Lillian. When our world came crashing down 5 days later i knew someone was going to have to cancel it. luckily my husband made that phone call. i was too busy yelling at insurance providers on the phone and trying to convince people that - yes indeed - i did go through labor and delivery and yes i do need 6 weeks off work to recover (physically and emotionally). so for me getting to actually go to this class is a huge mental milestone. bigger than any week that i've reached or developmental stage for this new baby. i hope i can keep it together.