hang ups

why are my maternity clothes still crammed in a box in my bedroom instead of hung up in my closet? oh yeah because i'm still scared shitless something will go wrong. and that box can just be packed away quickly and will supposedly save me some pain should the worst occur. really self? will it really help that much? for right now, yes. it still feels like the right thing to do. stupid fear. i hate you.

If versus When

throughout this pregnancy (in my mind and in reality) i have continued to assert things like "If this baby comes..." "If i can get through this trimester..." "If i can make it to term..." "If we can bring this baby home in a car seat..."
all i need to know now is when will all these thoughts shift to "WHEN the baby comes..."
Will that change in thinking happen? Does that ever happen to moms like me? when will i be able to sit back and really ENJOY this pregnancy for what it is? If we decide to go through this again will i ever be able to enjoy pregnancy like i did with Delaney? I'm so doubtful.
Everytime I feel baby move it's not necessarily a truly happy thing - more of a pleasant reassurance. and thankfully baby C has been giving me a lot of regularly (feels like scheduled) assurances. the nursery has been empty for some months now and other than a day or two of prep work it will be ready for this baby. installing the carseat is something they can do at the hospital. i've taken the birthing classes and my husband even registered Delaney for a big sister class (it's her second time registering - maybe she'll get to take it and actually BE a big sister this time???) but when will i really truly let myself believe that i actually am having a baby? everyone else certainly seems to think i am. my appearance would certainly suggest it and all these doctor's visits would seem to indicate to my brain to start to plan for it, but something is blocking logic. it's definitely a protecting mechanism, but one i really wish i didn't have.
IF the worst does happen i will want to have said that i enjoyed this time with Baby C. that i made the most of every moment possible. i don't believe in jinxing things, so preventing myself from enjoying this time is really only hurting myself. so as i stumble into the third trimester this week maybe things will start to look real. i guess i'll just have to keep waiting.

my therapist has 4 legs

traditional therapy was helpful. talking it out, crying it out. but mostly she just nodded and teared up a little bit with me and handed me tissues. she asked some poignant questions and made me think a little bit more, but really i did all the work. making and driving to the appointments was the hardest part. knowing that i was going to go somewhere and just talk about Lillian and probably cry a lot was just another hard thing for me to go through. am i better for it? who knows.
what really helped? my dog Polly. She is a very loving, high-energy dog and while out on my short-term disability she encouraged me to take long walks and just throw the ball. best therapy? oh yeah. i had lots of quiet time on the green-way and watching the sun over the lake. the best part? if i wanted to talk Polly was there. no judgment, no pity and she never had that awkward sympathetic look in her eye that said "oh she's crying. again. and...i really don't know what to say here...so..."
Polly loved and still loves me no matter what. the unconditional love of a dog is one i never want to give up. she's only 4 years old, but since Lillian died i've been more aware of the fact that she won't be around forever and when she dies i'll be a total basket-case. Then i'll really need a therapist.

not a fun place to be

one would assume that visiting a doctors office where pregnant women are would be a fun and happy place. maybe for a "normal" mom or one that never experienced any kind of loss, but no longer for me. when we first realized Lillian was going to die i was not at my usual Ob's office (they have two locations). i will never ever ever set foot in that horrible place again. oh sure it's a fine office i bet, but that scene will always bring back heartbreak and pain for me and i don't believe going back will make anything better. my regular Ob's office is certainly not easy for me, but it's getting better. i don't see that it will ever be exciting or fun to go again, but maybe eventually it won't hurt quite so badly.
my perinatal doctor's office is the worst. there are generally 2 kinds of women there. scared/nervous or devastated. it's split about 50/50. i have seen it so many times now. i have to wait a while in the waiting room and it seems like they're always between 30-50 minutes behind in their appointments. the couples go in one door and when they're done they come out the other. half the time you can see the woman's tear stained, swollen face and her partner is usually rubbing her back or holding her hand. the other times you usually see the woman nervously holding her ultrasound pictures, trying to not get too excited as she waits in line to schedule her next appointment - all the while mentally keeping her fingers crossed that her baby actually makes it to the next appointment.
in short i pretty much hate baby doctor's offices now. yes i know that those doctors and technicians allow me to see my baby in 4D every 2 weeks, check me and keep my mind at ease. and yes i know there has to be a place where women like me can get the treatment we need. but it's just such a hard place to go to. but then again what IS easy about this?

quite a wonderful problem to have, actually

childcare. do i hate thinking about this one. i haven't really let myself think about what to do with 2 kids yet. frankly i didn't even really want to let myself believe that this was actually going to happen this time. with Lillian i honestly didn't care to think about it yet. i was so over-joyed just being pregnant with her that i didn't even start to stress about it. looking back i'm really glad this was the case. i got to enjoy my time with her and not waste it worrying about something that wasn't to be.
but now as i march through the 24th week of this pregnancy it's starting to dawn on me that i might just have an infant to care for in late april/early may. and this infant just might need someone to care for it after my maternity leave is over. i know - what a startling realization.

so what now? well my wonderful math-man husband ran the numbers through our budget. and we've toured some new schools. and IF (big, huge ginormous IF) i can trust someone enough to hand over my new baby then after that expense my paycheck would amount to about $400 a month. and IF (another biggie) i can convince myself i can handle the toughest job in the world and stay home and only work about 15 hours a week (early mornings mostly while the kids and husband are sleeping) then we would be able to balance our budget (including a little fun money, a little savings and still contribute to his 401K) and even have $15 extra. woah $15!
so maybe we DON't have to find a place to help me raise my children. and maybe i DON't have to work as much to make ends meet. but what will i want to do when the moment of truth arrives? will i be happy at home instead of pursuing my career?
i have to get over the mental block and decide to let myself think that a baby is definitely coming. my husband thinks once the baby comes i won't want to put it down and he can't imagine me ever finding someone to keep him/her that i would trust enough. so just put it on record people: my husband just might be right on this one. until then we will have to wait and watch.