the weight of it all

so i love the fact that my perinatal doc doesn't weigh me. it's almost like an unspoken thing: women who come there just want healthy babies and if they get fat, they get fat. my OBs office is another matter, but thankfully none of those docs have had the nerve to say anything about it yet. i KNOW i can lose whatever weight i gain with this pregnancy. and even if i wasn't sure or couldn't do it - there is no way in hell i'm going to let anyone give me a hard time for eating when i'm hungry. i know the difference between thirst and hunger and believe me - this is hunger. i ballooned with delaney around this time, never got this far with lillian and so now it just feels normal and actually quite good to be eating and feeling like a cow already for this baby.
let me be clear - i am in no way complaining about being pregnant. in fact i am one of those women i used to think i would want to slap because they like it so much. what i am saying is (as always in my opinion):
once you have suffered through what no one should have suffered from you deserve some serious slack about things that really don't matter. and gaining and reasonable amount of weight during pregnancy doesn't matter. i want this baby bad. and i'm not going to let a silly thing like what i choose to eat stress me out any more than all the other bajillion things that won't let me sleep as it is.
i have NOT gorged myself on big macs or huge bowls of ice cream, but dammit if i feel like it i sure as hell will. (i did eat 6 clementines in one sitting the other night, though) i deserve this small freedom and i will spoil myself.
rant complete.

a child is born (no i'm not talking about baby jesus)

my very close long-time friend got to bring her baby boy home from the hospital yesterday. under most other circumstances (and especially if it had been a baby girl) i would have expected to have a lot of negative feelings and certainly would not want to hold the baby or outwardly celebrate the birth. however this baby is a very special one (disclaimer: i know all babies are special, but some are more special to me and it's my blog so that's what matters) born the day after christmas some might call it miraculous. since i am not a religious person, i see this as a show of my friend's extreme strength and determination. like me, she has a living daughter, but also like me after her normal first pregnancy and delivery she has suffered loss. (i don't like the term "losing your child". i feel like if you've "lost the child" it's sounds like you're somehow blaming the mother - like "well the baby was, like, right over there...and then...well...i....um...lost her" like maybe you'll "find" her again. but i also realize that your child's death at whatever stage of life is truly a huge physical and emotional loss, so i always choose my words carefully here. just my opinion.) her battle (yes i think the term is completely appropriate here) has been a source of inspiration to me. without going into detail i will say i think her road to this baby has been tougher than mine. i don't normally agree with directly comparing mom to mom and generally i don't think it's worth it to discuss the specifics of how long you tried to get pregnant, how you got pregnant, how long you stayed pregnant or how many times you went through the pain of it all. but for this amazing woman these facts make this baby an even more precious gift. he is a beautiful, perfect human being. a full-term baby who got to come home in a car-seat, at a healthy weight with only the minimal hospital stay. a baby who's mom is perhaps going to hold him just a little tighter and just a little closer than her first born. i hope my story will turn out this way, too.

in someone else's words

i am not a great writer. probably not a good one, either. i am a scientist. i write lab reports and those aren't great at preparing me to address personal thoughts and feelings in written form. so let me link you to a post that i wished i could have written myself, since it sums up a lot of my feelings since Lillian passed away. enjoy!
runnyyolk blog

a partner

my husband is amazing. i have come to realize it more as we go through hard times. i did not take him for granted, but i think i didn't really realize how much his constant love and support has meant to me. as this pregnancy approaches viability and the prospect of actually bringing home a live baby feels more and more real to me i think i am finally starting to grasp the magnitude of him. Immediately after Lillian died i felt like all i wanted was Delaney. my wonderful, beautiful, loving, living daughter who could hug me and wipe my tears away. even at 2 1/2 she could say "it's ok Mommy" and give me a big kiss. without her i was sure i would have died. but as time passes i realize that i also needed a partner through all of that. my patient husband who didn't blame me or judge me when all i wanted to do was cuddle with my toddler and cry. i'm sure he must have felt ignored, alone and it must have been so much harder (probably still is) to grieve without the kind of support i was getting from Delaney. I should have been there more for him. i guess that just adds to the pile of mother's guilt that everyone has. But i have to admit that however we got through those really hard days- we got through them. And now I have to keep looking forward and appreciating what i have. I hope that i can make it up to him someday. I'm one lucky gal.

THE week

20 weeks. to say the least this is a really hard week for me. 20w5d is approaching and i might just be a wreck the whole day if i let myself dwell on it. with each new medical professional i met that day they all asked me how far along in the pregnancy i was. "20weeks5days" kept falling out of my mouth. what i really wanted to say was: "i know i'm not even CLOSE to 24 weeks. i know that 24 weeks is viability and the chances of my baby living even then would be low. my baby will die today. please stop asking me questions." but i know (mostly because i was in so much pain from the infection) that i didn't really have the time to absorb everything that was going on around me. in less than 24 hours from the time my water mysteriously broke my baby girl was gone. i'm not trying to be dramatic, but remembering that day and the chance that it could happen again at the same point in this pregnancy haunts me.
but my doctors are watching out for me this time. that's right i have a posse. i'm going to my specialist today and then monday (20w5d) i have a visit with my favorite OB. the reassurances i get at those visits should help me get through these next few days.

i'm not alone anymore

i know that with a loving husband and a wonderful daughter that saying i felt alone might seem crazy, but after lillian died i truely did. the hollow and empty feelings i was having stayed with me for a long time. and now i can finally say those feelings have faded. of course i still miss her and wish she was with us, but because now i have baby c with me I can make it through the day much happier. for the next few months everywhere i go i'm not by myself. And feeling baby C move around has got to be one of the best therapies for my grief ever. I may be able to go off my meds sooner than i expected. that may also help me not feel so tired all the time! and i'm still in regular jeans, so all in all a good update at 19weeks.

Getting Bigger

I'm still in regular jeans! at almost 17 weeks I definitely have a belly and I have to pick my clothes carefully, but I'm not in maternity yet.
We heard baby's heartbeat yesterday. Even though I had felt Baby C move recently I still held my breath when Dr. Richardson started to look for the heartbeat. Next week will be the big anatomy scan. I am really looking forward to it - although the excitement that I felt with Delaney and Lillian is just not there this time. I wish I could be giddy and count down the minutes until I get to see Baby C, but it's just still too uncertain for me. I know Baby C is beautiful from the 12 week ultrasound and I know he or she will be a wonderful sight to see, but I know there is a lot of time that has to pass before we get to bring a healthy Baby C home. Taking it one day at a time.

Changes

I did over-eat while in Portland, but that's not why I have a bigger belly. Baby C is getting bigger and is starting to show! at (almost) 15 weeks I have a good little pot belly growing. I think I should be able to cover Baby C up for a few more weeks, but not too much longer. Ideally I would be able to wait until after the anatomy scan on the 22nd and tell people at/around thanksgiving (18 weeks), but i don't know if I can hide/avoid people that long. It's not that i'm not happy about Baby C, but I know that telling people makes them worry and that all they'll want to do is talk about the pregnancy. And what's healthy (physically and mentally) is for me to keeping doing what i've been doing and try to reduce my anxiety and stress about Baby C. right now I'm happy with only a select few sharing our happiness.
I had a hard time getting comfortable last night to sleep - i woke up quite a few times. Sleep is something I know I really need (like water) and I need to work on getting as much as I can.
Baby C doesn't like any kind of caffeine (even decaf coffee makes my stomach upset), but loves vanilla yogurt, spicy foods and chili with tons of cheese and crackers. So i guess in addition to all the other things i'm doing to grow this healthy baby i'll be replacing my morning cup of coffee with a bowl of yogurt. i hope no one will notice!

I'm not fat, I'm pregnant

i feel like i'm showing (13w5d). and although i don't need the maternity pants yet, I think a shirt may be flattering at this point. I had Justin bring down my box of maternity clothes from the attic today and I just might pack a few pieces for Portland. I have felt Baby C move a little and can't wait to feel more. I bought some regular strength tylenol and i packed my sea-bands for the flight tomorrow so we don't get sick. I hope Baby C is as good of a traveler as Delaney is - because we are going places!!!
Our next OB appt is 11/15 (right after Delaney's 3 year appt at the pediatrician). She will be napping with Aunt Jenny while we go.
Our anatomy scan will be the following week 11/22 at our perinatal appt.
AND...only 100 days til groundhog day!

We've been shot!

Baby C and I got our flu shot today. I really love thinking of this baby when I do things like this. Now we'll both be protected - just like Delaney was when she was born. I've been really hungry these last two days - I think Baby C must be growing a lot! I can't wait to see him/her again!

Baby C is beautiful! (of course)

I think i'm going to start calling him/her Baby C since Baby A was Delaney Baby B was Lillian. It just seems weird to call this Baby "Baby Davis" since that's been done before.
We saw the most wonderful images of our baby today. Moving and wiggling, but in the words of the sonographer "being very cooperative." i hope that Baby C stays this way for big sister Delaney!
i also love love love my perinatal doctor. Dr. Rhee is so great. She gets me and she said that she thinks we think about things in a similar way. I'll be seeing her for more of my (in her words) "mental, rather than physical health". since they don't know what triggered my extremely rare medical event they'll just be monitoring me for everything under the sun just in case.
it was difficult but good to talk to her about Lillian. Dr. Rhee called her Lillian by name from the start and I was so warmed by that. she re-assured me that there was nothing i could have done and that we should be thankful that I still have my life. She also said I should see my therapist more. I've been putting it off, but i will follow doctor's orders/.
we'll be seeing her again in 5 weeks and then every two weeks after that.
i'll post pictures when i can. Baby C is amazing!

ok lots has happened (12 weeks)

so we went to our first actual doctor's appointment today. not just running in for an ultrasound and avoiding all questions,etc. Dr. Richardson was great (as usual) and things with the baby are going just as they should. the heartbeat was SO STRONG! i don't remember hearing one so loud or the doctor being able to find it quite so easily. i hope this is a sign of things to come. i started on a low dose of zoloft, which should help me be happier/calmer or at least help me get a good nights sleep. we're going to a perinatalogist at duke on monday for a detailed ultrasound. while i can't wait to see this baby (at least on screen) i am not looking forward to what is surely to be a long interview about my medical history. justin will be there with me and hopefully everything go as painlessly as possible.

you know you're pregnant when you spend 10 minutes staring at the vending machine thinking "what can i get that won't make me vomit?" (i chose trail mix and baby is happy with it)

i feel good (11 weeks)

i'm feeling good. i'm not nearly as bloated feeling as i was earlier (between 6 and 9 weeks) and i'm not tired during the workday. i had my myhealthybaby (labcorp's health support system)phone interview today and i think it went well. of course they're worried about me and they'll be checking in with me every 4 weeks, but i have the same nurse as i had with Lillian and that really helps. Her name's Barb and she's sweet and funny. I'm glad I like her, because I'll be talking to her a lot (up to 6 weeks post-partum). I've let my mind wander about baby names lately and I think i might be close to a decision. We'll get to see him/her through ultrasound on monday and i think i will really get happy then because baby will show up as more than a little blob (with a very strong heartbeat!)

starting to get excited.

i'm trying to hold back. really i am. i know how long i have to go and that this may not work out (after all it's only week 9) but i can't help but start to get attached and excited. i scheduled our 12 week appt and ultrasound today and i can't wait to see pictures of this beautiful baby. i love him/her so much already.

so i've done the math

obviously the goal of this pregnancy is to delivery a healthy baby. a 40 week gestation is 280 days. A baby CAN be born healthy at 28 weeks or 196 days. Clearly I would like to be closer to the 280 day mark, but since April seems way too far away I have set a goal for myself to make it to at least 28 weeks February 2nd (groundhog day). So that means i have 140 days until my goal. ok we can do it.

so hungry

i don't ever remember being this hungry before. i want to eat all the time. i'm glad i work in a lab where i can't be constantly snacking. or else i would be. i want an OnlyBurger. soon.

i just haven't met you yet.

heard this song in the car on the radio soon after lillian died. it made me cry so hard then. it was playing while we were waiting in the waiting room at the OBs office yesterday and now i hear it for this new baby and while it makes me get quiet and think - it doesn't make me cry anymore.

I'm Not Surprised
Not Everything Lasts
Have Broken My Heart So Many Times,
I Stopped Keeping Track.
Talk Myself In
I Talk Myself Out
I Get All Worked Up
Then I Let Myself Down.

I Tried So Very Hard Not To Lose It
I Came Up With A Million Excuses
I Thought I Thought Of Every Possibility

And I Now Someday That It'll All Turn Out
You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid That I'll Give So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

I Might Have To Wait
I'll Never Give Up
I Guess It's Half Timing
And The Other Half's Luck
Wherever You Are
Whenever It's Right
You Come Out Of Nowhere And Into My Life

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Baby Your Love Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Possibility

And Somehow I Know That Will All Turn Out
You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid I'll Give So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

They Say All's Fair
And In Love And War
But I Won't Need To Fight It
We'll Get It Right And
We'll Be United

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Being In Your Life Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Single Possibility

And Someday I Know It'll All Turn Out
And I'll Work To Work It Out
Promise You Kid I'll Give More Than I Get
Than I Get Than I Get han I Get

Oh You Know It Will All Turn Out
And You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid To Give So Much More Than I Get
Yeah I Just Haven't Met You Yet

I Just Haven't Met You Yet
Oh Promise You Kid
To Give So Much More Than I Get

8 weeks

well we got to see and hear baby's heartbeat yesterday. i love him/her already.

i've got to admit it's getting better

although this morning is not an easy one, i have to admit everyday is a little bit better. i'm starting to look up, but it's not as if i don't backslide. somedays it feels like 2 steps forward 1 step back. as time passes i'm trying to focus on other, much mroe positive things in my life. i working more on my couponing and i think i'm saving us a lot of money. it's definitely not easy, but everyday activities aren't as hard as they used to be. i am finding more and more that my job is just a paycheck and i need to work toward making it more rewarding. that may mean being at home a lot more and reducing my working hours significantly. and i just keep hoping everything will work out the way it's supposed to.