i'm drinking the wine

after Lillian died I bought myself a bottle of mid-priced red wine. since i had been pregnant for so long and was going to try to become pregnant again ASAP i knew it was going to be awhile before i could drown my sorrows with alcohol. (anti-depressants are better, trust me) my plan was to drink the entire bottle when i got my period because i was not going to get my hopes up that i would get pregnant the first month trying. since we did get pregnant right away (the BEST thing that could have happened!) that bottle sat gathering dust on my wine rack.
things have still been hard since Will's birth. The birth announcements were really difficult and that totally blind-sided me. Picking them out wasn't especially difficult, but putting them together to mail out certainly was. Looking at his name with boy colors and knowing that it should have had Lillian's and there should be another little girl here made me cry a lot more than i was prepared for.
Nursing has been easier this time (hallelujah!) we have no supply issues and he's gaining weight exactly like he should. the first time i pumped i tried not to think about how i twice pumped the milk Lillian made me make, but i still cried. i'm still glad that i pumped for a little while and gave her milk to Delaney. It made me feel like at least it wasn't going to waste.
Thinking about having another child is scary. Not because i don't want one. I've always thought 3 was a great number to have. It's because i have had 3. i only get to parent 2 of them, but i've had my 3. And if i do have another i really really want another girl and what if it's a boy? Will i still feel that need? or will it never go away because really all i want is my Lillian back?
Remembering places where we went while I was pregnant with her will always always hurt. I kept thinking it would get better, but little things trigger those memories. I don't know when i'll be ready to go back to the mountains.
Today I was at home with William all day. Just me and him - and unlike other days so far - this one did not go smoothly. he just would not sleep. he wasn't crying all the time, but i knew he needed to get more than the little bit of dozing sleep he was getting right after he finished nursing. it was a frustrating day, but now that i'm drinking my wine (just one glass) and my husband is playing with the kids (!) in the front yard i think about what i DO have and I think this day might have been just fine.